"Her skin makes them sick in the night..."

It's been a good week now since I basically fell apart. I guess I'm doing alright, despite the rough patch. I'm really lucky to have some great friends, and my parents have been so supportive over the past year; I owe them a very large debt of gratitude, as they, above everything else, have helped me stay afloat.

The summer feels like it's been here forever already; I've been done with school since late April, and since May I've been working almost everyday. I've gotten used to it, as I didn't quite know what to do with myself last weekend (the first one I'd had off in weeks). I was supposed to visit someone, but that fell through and everything to do with that matter is done and over. It's time to move on and do something else.

On a vain side note, I really, really want a monroe piercing and my tattoo done this summer. However, my medical insurance is rather shaky at the moment and getting an infection that required medical attention would bankrupt me. Crap. I wish geology could solve this one!

More coffee?

I'm having a really bullshit, bloody awful day. Just when you think you might be someone who's going to get somewhere in life, something happens ( or continues to happen) that makes you think you've no right to do much more than wash dishes or bring coffee to the bigwigs. I think I had a panic attack at work today; it must have been, considering I couldn't stop crying, had trouble catching my breath and my throat kept tensing up. I'm tired and I wish I didn't have to work at my other job tonight; most of all, I'm tired of feeling anxious and unfulfilled. I'm tired of people looking down on me because they feel they can; I work just as hard as the next girl and I actually care about what I do. I'm also tired of the "pretty" excuse...but I'm more tired of complaining, so that's the end of that.
I was doing some thinking today as I brought out the mail- I almost cursed the wind for blowing my hair into my eyes, but I figured that would only backfire in the future- that after being on several different kinds of medications for depression for several sets of years, nothing has really changed. I admit I haven't taken them in at least 2 months, which is my own fault, but I honestly thought that I was doing better. I don't understand it, but I know I'm definitely feeling worse than usual. I'm not having angry fits like I used to, but it's the melancholy that's irritating my days. I miss John alot- I don't feel very safe around guys right now, but if there was one that I could hang around with for awhile, it would be him. Cheers to coffee, I'm heading out for a smoke and more work.
~

Wild Times and Brand New Sayings

Speedwalking with a "Million Ancient Beasts"

Felt like doing this. I suppose it's time that I stop smuggling in those "I MISS ENGLAND!" conversations into the mix, as that's all I seem to talk about sometimes. I can't help it; I think I've developed the idea that when in Europe, life's too fabulous to get sad, so of course, it's the place that I'd like to be most of the time. However, I'm here and it's where I'm staying for a long time.
For now, it's work work work, and I should be doing more of the kind that doesn't really earn me any money- you know, the stuff that "builds character" in a completely non-anti-semitic way...just the stuff that makes you feel better after knowing that you would have done nothing with your day had you not been in an office or behind a counter. That's how I feel I guess, since whatever else I do outside of that just doesn't feel like enough. I wouldn't trade anything for hanging out with friends, but it would be nice if I could just get that damn book at least started, or play the piano again. But of course, I'm a girl of words. If I can't articulate my communication by pen or pencil, it's going to be a long upward battle, for that's what I have desperately wanted to do for years. Wish me luck, or tell me to get off my ass and do it.

New Spaces

My appetite for blogging has returned!