-Anything worth knowing is worth learning for yourself-
Ugh, now I have to concentrate on school. Virge has left for GB and I've no choice but to keep myself busy so I don't go insane- busy to the point where I don't even think about myself...which has to be pretty damn busy. Life seems mixed with things that I either crave and enjoy and things that I absolutely despise and detest. I suppose that's how life is meant to be, a mix of things that you like and dislike, but why do I feel so powerless in the good and bad? If I could, I would jettison out of my academic life and just read books, get some stupid job and live outside of the seemingly rewarding but unbelievably mundane world of academia; maybe that's just my experience with literature analysis talking, but I feel more outcasted at the university than I have anywhere else, and it's turned me into someone who chooses to observe more than interact. I find people fascinating and I forget that some of us are mostly just vessels, carrying some institutionalized message that we all feed off of and gather around to proliferate from. I have a hard time differentiating my ideas from that coagulated form that seems to slither throughout the ec scene- noone wants to be a tool, right? Well, with conformity comes protection, and that protection is best associated with establishment, right? Maybe I'm just being obnoxiously insecure and angsty, and I'm certainly well-accquainted with establishment (I'm part of it too, of course), but really, you'd think there would be some happiness in knowing that there is something outside of the lines...or is it that which makes me kinda scared?
Monday, 4 February 2008
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
"...<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3..."
I've got nostalgic don't knowI've got familar faces
I've got a mixed-up memory
And I've got favourite places...
~Kate Nash, "Mouthwash"
Speaking of favorite places, I was again thinking of England recently; this time last year I was at Harlaxton, and I wish I could go back. I'm actually pretty happy here in EC, as life has become rather stable again and I have new strategies for combatting the EC boredom and despair; I find that I've acquired a vastly different mindset than what I had a year ago, and I'm so thankful for it.
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
Wherever you go, there you are
I'd have to say that I'm really enjoying my winter break. It's been really nice to have such a determined, not-busy schedule for once; I still work every day, but I can't complain. It won't be the same for the spring semester (yikes, class at 7:30 am Tuesdays and Thursdays!), so I'm trying to get this string of laziness out of my system before school starts again. I worked really hard last semester, but I should have worked harder at time maintenance; I think I do pretty well in school, on an academic level, and my professors seemed to be quite happy with me by the time finals were over, but I need to work on getting my ass out of bed in the morning and taking care of myself. I spent many days and nights in a haze, simply trying to finish each day as it came and I really became anti-social; I still am, of course. I can't really explain it, but I've always been a rather shy, self-sufficient person, and I enjoy my privacy and solitude. I think I've always been an observer, or at least in a position of some observation to some extent, and I really like taking things one on one; I don't think a lot of people understand that about me, but I have the feeling that I'm lucky enough to have good friends that appreciate that about me. I hope I can pay them back in kind for their good nature and for tolerating (and perhaps loving) my strange self; however, I realize that this observational mode I seem to reside in relies heavily on distancing myself, intentionally or unitentionally. Sometimes I'm rather oblivious to this distancing and I automatically exclude myself from groups, discussions, whatever have you. It's so strange. *See? I told you all I'd eventually be a hermit*
Strange or not, I enjoy this distance sometimes; sometimes it makes me connect more with characters and places in books. For example, as I was reading Madame Sarah Grand's The Heavenly Twins for my lit seminar, whenever I encountered chapters with the woman Evadne, I often thought of Sarah. In the book, Evadne is an incredibly smart, well-read woman for 1890's Victorian England, and she has the privilege of studying medical books (from her family's library) through which she has learned the biology of venereal disease and how it spread so quickly during the time. In other words, she had access to knowledge that the typical Victorian woman was shielded from, and she used this to protect herself. Evadne is rather incredible for a woman of her time, but this knowledge did seem to frustrate her quite frequently, especially when other people remained ignorant of that knowledge and eventually became victims of VD. Now, before you start gagging at the subject of VD, hear me out. Evadne reminded me much of Sarah because Sarah is quite possibly the most intelligent person I know and she for sure ain't ignorant of problems; she reads and reads, bless her, and I've had the pleasure of spending many hours with her over cigarettes and coffee learning from her and about her. However, I also see much of the same frustration in her as Evadne, and I wish I had the answer to that frustration. I wish I had a shitload of money, as I'm sure that it could fix a lot of things right now, but it isn't the long-term answer to anything...and I hate spending money.
...and now for something completely different
I love collecting random things, and lately I've come to believe that there is a secret life to stuff. I hold secret communes with books, post it notes, leaves, the coffee-maker at work, pens and paperclips, or even my dishes when they are drying on the rack; all of these seemingly ordinary, wierd or not-wierd objects have something to say, I think. There's gotta be so much energy, cosmic or not, infused in the objects that we live with, right? Either that or I've got the closest thing to a fetish for office supplies.
<3
I'd have to say that I'm really enjoying my winter break. It's been really nice to have such a determined, not-busy schedule for once; I still work every day, but I can't complain. It won't be the same for the spring semester (yikes, class at 7:30 am Tuesdays and Thursdays!), so I'm trying to get this string of laziness out of my system before school starts again. I worked really hard last semester, but I should have worked harder at time maintenance; I think I do pretty well in school, on an academic level, and my professors seemed to be quite happy with me by the time finals were over, but I need to work on getting my ass out of bed in the morning and taking care of myself. I spent many days and nights in a haze, simply trying to finish each day as it came and I really became anti-social; I still am, of course. I can't really explain it, but I've always been a rather shy, self-sufficient person, and I enjoy my privacy and solitude. I think I've always been an observer, or at least in a position of some observation to some extent, and I really like taking things one on one; I don't think a lot of people understand that about me, but I have the feeling that I'm lucky enough to have good friends that appreciate that about me. I hope I can pay them back in kind for their good nature and for tolerating (and perhaps loving) my strange self; however, I realize that this observational mode I seem to reside in relies heavily on distancing myself, intentionally or unitentionally. Sometimes I'm rather oblivious to this distancing and I automatically exclude myself from groups, discussions, whatever have you. It's so strange. *See? I told you all I'd eventually be a hermit*
Strange or not, I enjoy this distance sometimes; sometimes it makes me connect more with characters and places in books. For example, as I was reading Madame Sarah Grand's The Heavenly Twins for my lit seminar, whenever I encountered chapters with the woman Evadne, I often thought of Sarah. In the book, Evadne is an incredibly smart, well-read woman for 1890's Victorian England, and she has the privilege of studying medical books (from her family's library) through which she has learned the biology of venereal disease and how it spread so quickly during the time. In other words, she had access to knowledge that the typical Victorian woman was shielded from, and she used this to protect herself. Evadne is rather incredible for a woman of her time, but this knowledge did seem to frustrate her quite frequently, especially when other people remained ignorant of that knowledge and eventually became victims of VD. Now, before you start gagging at the subject of VD, hear me out. Evadne reminded me much of Sarah because Sarah is quite possibly the most intelligent person I know and she for sure ain't ignorant of problems; she reads and reads, bless her, and I've had the pleasure of spending many hours with her over cigarettes and coffee learning from her and about her. However, I also see much of the same frustration in her as Evadne, and I wish I had the answer to that frustration. I wish I had a shitload of money, as I'm sure that it could fix a lot of things right now, but it isn't the long-term answer to anything...and I hate spending money.
...and now for something completely different
I love collecting random things, and lately I've come to believe that there is a secret life to stuff. I hold secret communes with books, post it notes, leaves, the coffee-maker at work, pens and paperclips, or even my dishes when they are drying on the rack; all of these seemingly ordinary, wierd or not-wierd objects have something to say, I think. There's gotta be so much energy, cosmic or not, infused in the objects that we live with, right? Either that or I've got the closest thing to a fetish for office supplies.
<3
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
2008: It's an Even Year!!
Oh man, I hope this year is awesome, because I don't know anyone who has had a good year since high school; I mean really, we're all battling something or other, and many of us in EC have really just been in some fix or another, trying to move on. Face it kids, I think we're stuck in a dying star; it's only a matter of time before they sell this town off piece by piece. Get ready.
And in other new, I blew out one of my car tires today. What a great way to ring in the new year.
And in other new, I blew out one of my car tires today. What a great way to ring in the new year.
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
What do I do next?
I'm going to be honest. I hate my life right now. This summer has been awful and I'm really hoping that the school year, homework and all, will make my life better, because if it doesn't, I don't know how I am going to make it. I haven't been happy for a long time, not even when I was in England, and the past several months haven't made it any easier. I'm tired of putting on the fucking happy face at work just to get through the day. I like my jobs but they would be a lot nicer if I could get some of the things I think I deserve after being there as much as I have been. I don't work my ass off every fucking day just to humor myself; I do it because I'm on my own. My dad is unemployed and my broke mom lives two hours away. If I need anything, I'd rather get it myself than face the ridicule from my stone-age father or the worry of my mother. My brother doesn't give a shit about me, so I don't plan on asking him for anything. I don't even feel like I have the support I feel I deserve from my friends. Sure, we hang out, they will hear me out sometimes and will offer advice, but because I choose to do certain things that they wouldn't do themselves, or because their problems are "more important", I get the impression that I don't matter because of it. I have sat with the same people over and over again telling them that they're not worthless and that there's always something that you can do or are already doing that is helping. I don't mind doing that and I'm more than willing to help my friends. I wish I felt like I got that in return more often. Yes, I'm in good standing at school, I'm fed, sheltered and I'm fortunate enough to have health care (which I have to get in Minnesota- fuck you Wisconsin) and I don't have any outstanding legal or otherwise issues, and my mother is the best mother in the world. For that I'm very grateful. However, it's still very hard at times and I don't feel like I have anyone to balls-to-walls confide in. I used to have a good friend that I could hang out with and talk to, but he decided to be a complete fucking asshole and take advantage of that trust and friendship, and what he did continues to haunt, terrify and humiliate me. I made a mistake by giving him another chance to be a respectable human being, but he did it again. He has the nerve to call himself a Humanist. How can you call yourself a "humanist" when you completely violate someone else's privacy, trust, dignity and feelings, not to mention their own body?
The following is for the so-called "humanist."
Humanist ~ from dictionary.com:
1.
a person having a strong interest in or concern for human welfare, values, and dignity.
So-called "humanist:"0 points.
2.
a person devoted to or versed in the humanities.
(0 points)
3.
a student of human nature or affairs.
(0 points)
4.
a classical scholar.
(0 points)
5.
any one of the scholars of the Renaissance who pursued and disseminated the study and understanding of the cultures of ancient Rome and Greece, and emphasized secular, individualistic, and critical thought.
(0 points)
6.
a person who follows a form of scientific or philosophical humanism. –adjective
(0 points)
7.
of or pertaining to human affairs, nature, welfare, or values.
(0 points)
8.
(sometimes initial capital letter) of or pertaining to the humanities or classical scholarship, esp. that of the Renaissance humanists.
(0 points)
9.
of or pertaining to philosophical or scientific humanism.
(0 points)
The final score of so-called "humanist": 0 points.
I HAD to get that one out.
~~~
For the first time in many, many years, I feel like a complete outcast. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. I should argue more, I should tell people more about myself or why I'm upset, I'm too sensitive, etc. Sorry, I've spent a lot of time arguing in the past and I've learned to pick my battles. For someone who doesn't talk a lot and feels like they don't matter on a larger scale, I sure get a lot of grief over what I have to say sometimes. Why am I so...serious? Even when I mean to be light-hearted alot of people take me seriously. I feel pretty bad about it sometimes, as some of my friends get slightly touchy about it. I suppose you would too if I had said that I woke up with a personal vendetta against you. See my point? Too serious. You can't joke about that stuff.
I'm rather abrasive, I push people away and I put up a wall, that I know and will admit to. I think that's the one thing I know how to do well: keep people away. I only felt worse about this as co-worker tried to set me up with super-hot, adorable tattooed wonder boy, only find out he's still burned from his ex. Needless to say, this did not boost my confidence. I'm trying not to be too emo about this, but dammit! Straight men are lame.
I will try to change.
I just hope I can.
~
The following is for the so-called "humanist."
Humanist ~ from dictionary.com:
1.
a person having a strong interest in or concern for human welfare, values, and dignity.
So-called "humanist:"0 points.
2.
a person devoted to or versed in the humanities.
(0 points)
3.
a student of human nature or affairs.
(0 points)
4.
a classical scholar.
(0 points)
5.
any one of the scholars of the Renaissance who pursued and disseminated the study and understanding of the cultures of ancient Rome and Greece, and emphasized secular, individualistic, and critical thought.
(0 points)
6.
a person who follows a form of scientific or philosophical humanism. –adjective
(0 points)
7.
of or pertaining to human affairs, nature, welfare, or values.
(0 points)
8.
(sometimes initial capital letter) of or pertaining to the humanities or classical scholarship, esp. that of the Renaissance humanists.
(0 points)
9.
of or pertaining to philosophical or scientific humanism.
(0 points)
The final score of so-called "humanist": 0 points.
I HAD to get that one out.
~~~
For the first time in many, many years, I feel like a complete outcast. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. I should argue more, I should tell people more about myself or why I'm upset, I'm too sensitive, etc. Sorry, I've spent a lot of time arguing in the past and I've learned to pick my battles. For someone who doesn't talk a lot and feels like they don't matter on a larger scale, I sure get a lot of grief over what I have to say sometimes. Why am I so...serious? Even when I mean to be light-hearted alot of people take me seriously. I feel pretty bad about it sometimes, as some of my friends get slightly touchy about it. I suppose you would too if I had said that I woke up with a personal vendetta against you. See my point? Too serious. You can't joke about that stuff.
I'm rather abrasive, I push people away and I put up a wall, that I know and will admit to. I think that's the one thing I know how to do well: keep people away. I only felt worse about this as co-worker tried to set me up with super-hot, adorable tattooed wonder boy, only find out he's still burned from his ex. Needless to say, this did not boost my confidence. I'm trying not to be too emo about this, but dammit! Straight men are lame.
I will try to change.
I just hope I can.
~
Thursday, 16 August 2007
Ready to Begin
It's time for new things to happen and to meet new people. The summer is (thankfully) winding down, and although I have unfortunately not gotten to do a bunch of the things I wanted to, it's a lesson well learned that money is not as valuable as I once thought it was. I miss my friends and I miss my family. I'm tired most of the time and it's not worth it to work two shitty jobs for 50 hours a week. I hope my fall semester is good, I hope my friends start having better luck and all in all, I just want everyone to have a better year. It's been so shitty for so many people that don't deserve it.
~On a separate note, my medusa piercing was a good decision, but I'm beginning to wonder if I should have gotten a true monroe. Oh well. I'm happy either way.
In two weeks, I hope I can accomplish the following:
~Move out of my dad's house with Greg
~Officially change my major with a new advisor
~Have enough money for a security deposit and general apartment stuff
~Get started on a physically and mentally healthier routine
~GO ON A FRIGGIN DATE
~Make an appointment with an assault counselor
~On a separate note, my medusa piercing was a good decision, but I'm beginning to wonder if I should have gotten a true monroe. Oh well. I'm happy either way.
In two weeks, I hope I can accomplish the following:
~Move out of my dad's house with Greg
~Officially change my major with a new advisor
~Have enough money for a security deposit and general apartment stuff
~Get started on a physically and mentally healthier routine
~GO ON A FRIGGIN DATE
~Make an appointment with an assault counselor
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Given
Life is running along on a drop-bottom basis- it feels like I'm sitting on a street curb and watching the traffic go by as my toes get run over. I feel so disconnected but there are some times when I'm gratefully distant; it helps when on any given day you have at least three different personalities to fill. For instance, I work at a law office that my mother used to work at, a pizza place in the mall (the corporate version of a local place I used to work at), and I live with my dad (recently unemployed and constantly annoyed with the universe). The law office personality deals with the concrete and legal, the fat calories and diet cokes of this world; there is always a process or a document, a problem to solve and a multi-line phone to attend. This whole place reeks of coffee and the smell of 300 sheets of paper printing.
The pizza place is completely different. It's a corporate-furnished slacker house. There's so much red in that place; pizza sauce, advertising, cookie coupons, worker's shirts, name tags and neon-lighting. Anything to induce hunger, I suppose. There's always a story to tell, a person to laugh with, a cup to fill and a tray to wash, someone going on a smoke break or someone sobering up. I love doing dishes in that place- it sounds wierd but there's something oddly fulfilling when I wash a pan or spatula there.
It's as if we're all just waiting for something better when we're all working, but we're ok with working until it's done. I can't really explain as best as I want, but I hope you get the idea that it's a unique arrangement of work. Each place is the opposite of the other in almost every way that I can think of.
Ok, this was a wierd rant, but it's hopefully on to something.
The pizza place is completely different. It's a corporate-furnished slacker house. There's so much red in that place; pizza sauce, advertising, cookie coupons, worker's shirts, name tags and neon-lighting. Anything to induce hunger, I suppose. There's always a story to tell, a person to laugh with, a cup to fill and a tray to wash, someone going on a smoke break or someone sobering up. I love doing dishes in that place- it sounds wierd but there's something oddly fulfilling when I wash a pan or spatula there.
It's as if we're all just waiting for something better when we're all working, but we're ok with working until it's done. I can't really explain as best as I want, but I hope you get the idea that it's a unique arrangement of work. Each place is the opposite of the other in almost every way that I can think of.
Ok, this was a wierd rant, but it's hopefully on to something.
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