Lonely :(

-Anything worth knowing is worth learning for yourself-

Ugh, now I have to concentrate on school. Virge has left for GB and I've no choice but to keep myself busy so I don't go insane- busy to the point where I don't even think about myself...which has to be pretty damn busy. Life seems mixed with things that I either crave and enjoy and things that I absolutely despise and detest. I suppose that's how life is meant to be, a mix of things that you like and dislike, but why do I feel so powerless in the good and bad? If I could, I would jettison out of my academic life and just read books, get some stupid job and live outside of the seemingly rewarding but unbelievably mundane world of academia; maybe that's just my experience with literature analysis talking, but I feel more outcasted at the university than I have anywhere else, and it's turned me into someone who chooses to observe more than interact. I find people fascinating and I forget that some of us are mostly just vessels, carrying some institutionalized message that we all feed off of and gather around to proliferate from. I have a hard time differentiating my ideas from that coagulated form that seems to slither throughout the ec scene- noone wants to be a tool, right? Well, with conformity comes protection, and that protection is best associated with establishment, right? Maybe I'm just being obnoxiously insecure and angsty, and I'm certainly well-accquainted with establishment (I'm part of it too, of course), but really, you'd think there would be some happiness in knowing that there is something outside of the lines...or is it that which makes me kinda scared?