What do I do next?

I'm going to be honest. I hate my life right now. This summer has been awful and I'm really hoping that the school year, homework and all, will make my life better, because if it doesn't, I don't know how I am going to make it. I haven't been happy for a long time, not even when I was in England, and the past several months haven't made it any easier. I'm tired of putting on the fucking happy face at work just to get through the day. I like my jobs but they would be a lot nicer if I could get some of the things I think I deserve after being there as much as I have been. I don't work my ass off every fucking day just to humor myself; I do it because I'm on my own. My dad is unemployed and my broke mom lives two hours away. If I need anything, I'd rather get it myself than face the ridicule from my stone-age father or the worry of my mother. My brother doesn't give a shit about me, so I don't plan on asking him for anything. I don't even feel like I have the support I feel I deserve from my friends. Sure, we hang out, they will hear me out sometimes and will offer advice, but because I choose to do certain things that they wouldn't do themselves, or because their problems are "more important", I get the impression that I don't matter because of it. I have sat with the same people over and over again telling them that they're not worthless and that there's always something that you can do or are already doing that is helping. I don't mind doing that and I'm more than willing to help my friends. I wish I felt like I got that in return more often. Yes, I'm in good standing at school, I'm fed, sheltered and I'm fortunate enough to have health care (which I have to get in Minnesota- fuck you Wisconsin) and I don't have any outstanding legal or otherwise issues, and my mother is the best mother in the world. For that I'm very grateful. However, it's still very hard at times and I don't feel like I have anyone to balls-to-walls confide in. I used to have a good friend that I could hang out with and talk to, but he decided to be a complete fucking asshole and take advantage of that trust and friendship, and what he did continues to haunt, terrify and humiliate me. I made a mistake by giving him another chance to be a respectable human being, but he did it again. He has the nerve to call himself a Humanist. How can you call yourself a "humanist" when you completely violate someone else's privacy, trust, dignity and feelings, not to mention their own body?
The following is for the so-called "humanist."

Humanist ~ from dictionary.com:
1.
a person having a strong interest in or concern for human welfare, values, and dignity.
So-called "humanist:"0 points.
2.
a person devoted to or versed in the humanities.
(0 points)
3.
a student of human nature or affairs.
(0 points)
4.
a classical scholar.
(0 points)
5.
any one of the scholars of the Renaissance who pursued and disseminated the study and understanding of the cultures of ancient Rome and Greece, and emphasized secular, individualistic, and critical thought.
(0 points)

6.
a person who follows a form of scientific or philosophical humanism. –adjective
(0 points)
7.
of or pertaining to human affairs, nature, welfare, or values.
(0 points)

8.
(sometimes initial capital letter) of or pertaining to the humanities or classical scholarship, esp. that of the Renaissance humanists.
(0 points)

9.
of or pertaining to philosophical or scientific humanism.
(0 points)

The final score of so-called "humanist": 0 points.

I HAD to get that one out.
~~~

For the first time in many, many years, I feel like a complete outcast. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. I should argue more, I should tell people more about myself or why I'm upset, I'm too sensitive, etc. Sorry, I've spent a lot of time arguing in the past and I've learned to pick my battles. For someone who doesn't talk a lot and feels like they don't matter on a larger scale, I sure get a lot of grief over what I have to say sometimes. Why am I so...serious? Even when I mean to be light-hearted alot of people take me seriously. I feel pretty bad about it sometimes, as some of my friends get slightly touchy about it. I suppose you would too if I had said that I woke up with a personal vendetta against you. See my point? Too serious. You can't joke about that stuff.
I'm rather abrasive, I push people away and I put up a wall, that I know and will admit to. I think that's the one thing I know how to do well: keep people away. I only felt worse about this as co-worker tried to set me up with super-hot, adorable tattooed wonder boy, only find out he's still burned from his ex. Needless to say, this did not boost my confidence. I'm trying not to be too emo about this, but dammit! Straight men are lame.



I will try to change.
I just hope I can.

~

Ready to Begin

It's time for new things to happen and to meet new people. The summer is (thankfully) winding down, and although I have unfortunately not gotten to do a bunch of the things I wanted to, it's a lesson well learned that money is not as valuable as I once thought it was. I miss my friends and I miss my family. I'm tired most of the time and it's not worth it to work two shitty jobs for 50 hours a week. I hope my fall semester is good, I hope my friends start having better luck and all in all, I just want everyone to have a better year. It's been so shitty for so many people that don't deserve it.
~On a separate note, my medusa piercing was a good decision, but I'm beginning to wonder if I should have gotten a true monroe. Oh well. I'm happy either way.

In two weeks, I hope I can accomplish the following:
~Move out of my dad's house with Greg
~Officially change my major with a new advisor
~Have enough money for a security deposit and general apartment stuff
~Get started on a physically and mentally healthier routine
~GO ON A FRIGGIN DATE
~Make an appointment with an assault counselor

Given

Life is running along on a drop-bottom basis- it feels like I'm sitting on a street curb and watching the traffic go by as my toes get run over. I feel so disconnected but there are some times when I'm gratefully distant; it helps when on any given day you have at least three different personalities to fill. For instance, I work at a law office that my mother used to work at, a pizza place in the mall (the corporate version of a local place I used to work at), and I live with my dad (recently unemployed and constantly annoyed with the universe). The law office personality deals with the concrete and legal, the fat calories and diet cokes of this world; there is always a process or a document, a problem to solve and a multi-line phone to attend. This whole place reeks of coffee and the smell of 300 sheets of paper printing.
The pizza place is completely different. It's a corporate-furnished slacker house. There's so much red in that place; pizza sauce, advertising, cookie coupons, worker's shirts, name tags and neon-lighting. Anything to induce hunger, I suppose. There's always a story to tell, a person to laugh with, a cup to fill and a tray to wash, someone going on a smoke break or someone sobering up. I love doing dishes in that place- it sounds wierd but there's something oddly fulfilling when I wash a pan or spatula there.
It's as if we're all just waiting for something better when we're all working, but we're ok with working until it's done. I can't really explain as best as I want, but I hope you get the idea that it's a unique arrangement of work. Each place is the opposite of the other in almost every way that I can think of.
Ok, this was a wierd rant, but it's hopefully on to something.

"Her skin makes them sick in the night..."

It's been a good week now since I basically fell apart. I guess I'm doing alright, despite the rough patch. I'm really lucky to have some great friends, and my parents have been so supportive over the past year; I owe them a very large debt of gratitude, as they, above everything else, have helped me stay afloat.

The summer feels like it's been here forever already; I've been done with school since late April, and since May I've been working almost everyday. I've gotten used to it, as I didn't quite know what to do with myself last weekend (the first one I'd had off in weeks). I was supposed to visit someone, but that fell through and everything to do with that matter is done and over. It's time to move on and do something else.

On a vain side note, I really, really want a monroe piercing and my tattoo done this summer. However, my medical insurance is rather shaky at the moment and getting an infection that required medical attention would bankrupt me. Crap. I wish geology could solve this one!

More coffee?

I'm having a really bullshit, bloody awful day. Just when you think you might be someone who's going to get somewhere in life, something happens ( or continues to happen) that makes you think you've no right to do much more than wash dishes or bring coffee to the bigwigs. I think I had a panic attack at work today; it must have been, considering I couldn't stop crying, had trouble catching my breath and my throat kept tensing up. I'm tired and I wish I didn't have to work at my other job tonight; most of all, I'm tired of feeling anxious and unfulfilled. I'm tired of people looking down on me because they feel they can; I work just as hard as the next girl and I actually care about what I do. I'm also tired of the "pretty" excuse...but I'm more tired of complaining, so that's the end of that.
I was doing some thinking today as I brought out the mail- I almost cursed the wind for blowing my hair into my eyes, but I figured that would only backfire in the future- that after being on several different kinds of medications for depression for several sets of years, nothing has really changed. I admit I haven't taken them in at least 2 months, which is my own fault, but I honestly thought that I was doing better. I don't understand it, but I know I'm definitely feeling worse than usual. I'm not having angry fits like I used to, but it's the melancholy that's irritating my days. I miss John alot- I don't feel very safe around guys right now, but if there was one that I could hang around with for awhile, it would be him. Cheers to coffee, I'm heading out for a smoke and more work.
~

Wild Times and Brand New Sayings

Speedwalking with a "Million Ancient Beasts"

Felt like doing this. I suppose it's time that I stop smuggling in those "I MISS ENGLAND!" conversations into the mix, as that's all I seem to talk about sometimes. I can't help it; I think I've developed the idea that when in Europe, life's too fabulous to get sad, so of course, it's the place that I'd like to be most of the time. However, I'm here and it's where I'm staying for a long time.
For now, it's work work work, and I should be doing more of the kind that doesn't really earn me any money- you know, the stuff that "builds character" in a completely non-anti-semitic way...just the stuff that makes you feel better after knowing that you would have done nothing with your day had you not been in an office or behind a counter. That's how I feel I guess, since whatever else I do outside of that just doesn't feel like enough. I wouldn't trade anything for hanging out with friends, but it would be nice if I could just get that damn book at least started, or play the piano again. But of course, I'm a girl of words. If I can't articulate my communication by pen or pencil, it's going to be a long upward battle, for that's what I have desperately wanted to do for years. Wish me luck, or tell me to get off my ass and do it.

New Spaces

My appetite for blogging has returned!