More coffee?

I'm having a really bullshit, bloody awful day. Just when you think you might be someone who's going to get somewhere in life, something happens ( or continues to happen) that makes you think you've no right to do much more than wash dishes or bring coffee to the bigwigs. I think I had a panic attack at work today; it must have been, considering I couldn't stop crying, had trouble catching my breath and my throat kept tensing up. I'm tired and I wish I didn't have to work at my other job tonight; most of all, I'm tired of feeling anxious and unfulfilled. I'm tired of people looking down on me because they feel they can; I work just as hard as the next girl and I actually care about what I do. I'm also tired of the "pretty" excuse...but I'm more tired of complaining, so that's the end of that.
I was doing some thinking today as I brought out the mail- I almost cursed the wind for blowing my hair into my eyes, but I figured that would only backfire in the future- that after being on several different kinds of medications for depression for several sets of years, nothing has really changed. I admit I haven't taken them in at least 2 months, which is my own fault, but I honestly thought that I was doing better. I don't understand it, but I know I'm definitely feeling worse than usual. I'm not having angry fits like I used to, but it's the melancholy that's irritating my days. I miss John alot- I don't feel very safe around guys right now, but if there was one that I could hang around with for awhile, it would be him. Cheers to coffee, I'm heading out for a smoke and more work.
~