-Anything worth knowing is worth learning for yourself-
Ugh, now I have to concentrate on school. Virge has left for GB and I've no choice but to keep myself busy so I don't go insane- busy to the point where I don't even think about myself...which has to be pretty damn busy. Life seems mixed with things that I either crave and enjoy and things that I absolutely despise and detest. I suppose that's how life is meant to be, a mix of things that you like and dislike, but why do I feel so powerless in the good and bad? If I could, I would jettison out of my academic life and just read books, get some stupid job and live outside of the seemingly rewarding but unbelievably mundane world of academia; maybe that's just my experience with literature analysis talking, but I feel more outcasted at the university than I have anywhere else, and it's turned me into someone who chooses to observe more than interact. I find people fascinating and I forget that some of us are mostly just vessels, carrying some institutionalized message that we all feed off of and gather around to proliferate from. I have a hard time differentiating my ideas from that coagulated form that seems to slither throughout the ec scene- noone wants to be a tool, right? Well, with conformity comes protection, and that protection is best associated with establishment, right? Maybe I'm just being obnoxiously insecure and angsty, and I'm certainly well-accquainted with establishment (I'm part of it too, of course), but really, you'd think there would be some happiness in knowing that there is something outside of the lines...or is it that which makes me kinda scared?
Monday, 4 February 2008
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
"...<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3..."
I've got nostalgic don't knowI've got familar faces
I've got a mixed-up memory
And I've got favourite places...
~Kate Nash, "Mouthwash"
Speaking of favorite places, I was again thinking of England recently; this time last year I was at Harlaxton, and I wish I could go back. I'm actually pretty happy here in EC, as life has become rather stable again and I have new strategies for combatting the EC boredom and despair; I find that I've acquired a vastly different mindset than what I had a year ago, and I'm so thankful for it.
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
Wherever you go, there you are
I'd have to say that I'm really enjoying my winter break. It's been really nice to have such a determined, not-busy schedule for once; I still work every day, but I can't complain. It won't be the same for the spring semester (yikes, class at 7:30 am Tuesdays and Thursdays!), so I'm trying to get this string of laziness out of my system before school starts again. I worked really hard last semester, but I should have worked harder at time maintenance; I think I do pretty well in school, on an academic level, and my professors seemed to be quite happy with me by the time finals were over, but I need to work on getting my ass out of bed in the morning and taking care of myself. I spent many days and nights in a haze, simply trying to finish each day as it came and I really became anti-social; I still am, of course. I can't really explain it, but I've always been a rather shy, self-sufficient person, and I enjoy my privacy and solitude. I think I've always been an observer, or at least in a position of some observation to some extent, and I really like taking things one on one; I don't think a lot of people understand that about me, but I have the feeling that I'm lucky enough to have good friends that appreciate that about me. I hope I can pay them back in kind for their good nature and for tolerating (and perhaps loving) my strange self; however, I realize that this observational mode I seem to reside in relies heavily on distancing myself, intentionally or unitentionally. Sometimes I'm rather oblivious to this distancing and I automatically exclude myself from groups, discussions, whatever have you. It's so strange. *See? I told you all I'd eventually be a hermit*
Strange or not, I enjoy this distance sometimes; sometimes it makes me connect more with characters and places in books. For example, as I was reading Madame Sarah Grand's The Heavenly Twins for my lit seminar, whenever I encountered chapters with the woman Evadne, I often thought of Sarah. In the book, Evadne is an incredibly smart, well-read woman for 1890's Victorian England, and she has the privilege of studying medical books (from her family's library) through which she has learned the biology of venereal disease and how it spread so quickly during the time. In other words, she had access to knowledge that the typical Victorian woman was shielded from, and she used this to protect herself. Evadne is rather incredible for a woman of her time, but this knowledge did seem to frustrate her quite frequently, especially when other people remained ignorant of that knowledge and eventually became victims of VD. Now, before you start gagging at the subject of VD, hear me out. Evadne reminded me much of Sarah because Sarah is quite possibly the most intelligent person I know and she for sure ain't ignorant of problems; she reads and reads, bless her, and I've had the pleasure of spending many hours with her over cigarettes and coffee learning from her and about her. However, I also see much of the same frustration in her as Evadne, and I wish I had the answer to that frustration. I wish I had a shitload of money, as I'm sure that it could fix a lot of things right now, but it isn't the long-term answer to anything...and I hate spending money.
...and now for something completely different
I love collecting random things, and lately I've come to believe that there is a secret life to stuff. I hold secret communes with books, post it notes, leaves, the coffee-maker at work, pens and paperclips, or even my dishes when they are drying on the rack; all of these seemingly ordinary, wierd or not-wierd objects have something to say, I think. There's gotta be so much energy, cosmic or not, infused in the objects that we live with, right? Either that or I've got the closest thing to a fetish for office supplies.
<3
I'd have to say that I'm really enjoying my winter break. It's been really nice to have such a determined, not-busy schedule for once; I still work every day, but I can't complain. It won't be the same for the spring semester (yikes, class at 7:30 am Tuesdays and Thursdays!), so I'm trying to get this string of laziness out of my system before school starts again. I worked really hard last semester, but I should have worked harder at time maintenance; I think I do pretty well in school, on an academic level, and my professors seemed to be quite happy with me by the time finals were over, but I need to work on getting my ass out of bed in the morning and taking care of myself. I spent many days and nights in a haze, simply trying to finish each day as it came and I really became anti-social; I still am, of course. I can't really explain it, but I've always been a rather shy, self-sufficient person, and I enjoy my privacy and solitude. I think I've always been an observer, or at least in a position of some observation to some extent, and I really like taking things one on one; I don't think a lot of people understand that about me, but I have the feeling that I'm lucky enough to have good friends that appreciate that about me. I hope I can pay them back in kind for their good nature and for tolerating (and perhaps loving) my strange self; however, I realize that this observational mode I seem to reside in relies heavily on distancing myself, intentionally or unitentionally. Sometimes I'm rather oblivious to this distancing and I automatically exclude myself from groups, discussions, whatever have you. It's so strange. *See? I told you all I'd eventually be a hermit*
Strange or not, I enjoy this distance sometimes; sometimes it makes me connect more with characters and places in books. For example, as I was reading Madame Sarah Grand's The Heavenly Twins for my lit seminar, whenever I encountered chapters with the woman Evadne, I often thought of Sarah. In the book, Evadne is an incredibly smart, well-read woman for 1890's Victorian England, and she has the privilege of studying medical books (from her family's library) through which she has learned the biology of venereal disease and how it spread so quickly during the time. In other words, she had access to knowledge that the typical Victorian woman was shielded from, and she used this to protect herself. Evadne is rather incredible for a woman of her time, but this knowledge did seem to frustrate her quite frequently, especially when other people remained ignorant of that knowledge and eventually became victims of VD. Now, before you start gagging at the subject of VD, hear me out. Evadne reminded me much of Sarah because Sarah is quite possibly the most intelligent person I know and she for sure ain't ignorant of problems; she reads and reads, bless her, and I've had the pleasure of spending many hours with her over cigarettes and coffee learning from her and about her. However, I also see much of the same frustration in her as Evadne, and I wish I had the answer to that frustration. I wish I had a shitload of money, as I'm sure that it could fix a lot of things right now, but it isn't the long-term answer to anything...and I hate spending money.
...and now for something completely different
I love collecting random things, and lately I've come to believe that there is a secret life to stuff. I hold secret communes with books, post it notes, leaves, the coffee-maker at work, pens and paperclips, or even my dishes when they are drying on the rack; all of these seemingly ordinary, wierd or not-wierd objects have something to say, I think. There's gotta be so much energy, cosmic or not, infused in the objects that we live with, right? Either that or I've got the closest thing to a fetish for office supplies.
<3
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
2008: It's an Even Year!!
Oh man, I hope this year is awesome, because I don't know anyone who has had a good year since high school; I mean really, we're all battling something or other, and many of us in EC have really just been in some fix or another, trying to move on. Face it kids, I think we're stuck in a dying star; it's only a matter of time before they sell this town off piece by piece. Get ready.
And in other new, I blew out one of my car tires today. What a great way to ring in the new year.
And in other new, I blew out one of my car tires today. What a great way to ring in the new year.
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