What do I do next?

I'm going to be honest. I hate my life right now. This summer has been awful and I'm really hoping that the school year, homework and all, will make my life better, because if it doesn't, I don't know how I am going to make it. I haven't been happy for a long time, not even when I was in England, and the past several months haven't made it any easier. I'm tired of putting on the fucking happy face at work just to get through the day. I like my jobs but they would be a lot nicer if I could get some of the things I think I deserve after being there as much as I have been. I don't work my ass off every fucking day just to humor myself; I do it because I'm on my own. My dad is unemployed and my broke mom lives two hours away. If I need anything, I'd rather get it myself than face the ridicule from my stone-age father or the worry of my mother. My brother doesn't give a shit about me, so I don't plan on asking him for anything. I don't even feel like I have the support I feel I deserve from my friends. Sure, we hang out, they will hear me out sometimes and will offer advice, but because I choose to do certain things that they wouldn't do themselves, or because their problems are "more important", I get the impression that I don't matter because of it. I have sat with the same people over and over again telling them that they're not worthless and that there's always something that you can do or are already doing that is helping. I don't mind doing that and I'm more than willing to help my friends. I wish I felt like I got that in return more often. Yes, I'm in good standing at school, I'm fed, sheltered and I'm fortunate enough to have health care (which I have to get in Minnesota- fuck you Wisconsin) and I don't have any outstanding legal or otherwise issues, and my mother is the best mother in the world. For that I'm very grateful. However, it's still very hard at times and I don't feel like I have anyone to balls-to-walls confide in. I used to have a good friend that I could hang out with and talk to, but he decided to be a complete fucking asshole and take advantage of that trust and friendship, and what he did continues to haunt, terrify and humiliate me. I made a mistake by giving him another chance to be a respectable human being, but he did it again. He has the nerve to call himself a Humanist. How can you call yourself a "humanist" when you completely violate someone else's privacy, trust, dignity and feelings, not to mention their own body?
The following is for the so-called "humanist."

Humanist ~ from dictionary.com:
1.
a person having a strong interest in or concern for human welfare, values, and dignity.
So-called "humanist:"0 points.
2.
a person devoted to or versed in the humanities.
(0 points)
3.
a student of human nature or affairs.
(0 points)
4.
a classical scholar.
(0 points)
5.
any one of the scholars of the Renaissance who pursued and disseminated the study and understanding of the cultures of ancient Rome and Greece, and emphasized secular, individualistic, and critical thought.
(0 points)

6.
a person who follows a form of scientific or philosophical humanism. –adjective
(0 points)
7.
of or pertaining to human affairs, nature, welfare, or values.
(0 points)

8.
(sometimes initial capital letter) of or pertaining to the humanities or classical scholarship, esp. that of the Renaissance humanists.
(0 points)

9.
of or pertaining to philosophical or scientific humanism.
(0 points)

The final score of so-called "humanist": 0 points.

I HAD to get that one out.
~~~

For the first time in many, many years, I feel like a complete outcast. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. I should argue more, I should tell people more about myself or why I'm upset, I'm too sensitive, etc. Sorry, I've spent a lot of time arguing in the past and I've learned to pick my battles. For someone who doesn't talk a lot and feels like they don't matter on a larger scale, I sure get a lot of grief over what I have to say sometimes. Why am I so...serious? Even when I mean to be light-hearted alot of people take me seriously. I feel pretty bad about it sometimes, as some of my friends get slightly touchy about it. I suppose you would too if I had said that I woke up with a personal vendetta against you. See my point? Too serious. You can't joke about that stuff.
I'm rather abrasive, I push people away and I put up a wall, that I know and will admit to. I think that's the one thing I know how to do well: keep people away. I only felt worse about this as co-worker tried to set me up with super-hot, adorable tattooed wonder boy, only find out he's still burned from his ex. Needless to say, this did not boost my confidence. I'm trying not to be too emo about this, but dammit! Straight men are lame.



I will try to change.
I just hope I can.

~